Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Macho dating advice for women.

I've decided that there is far too much sausage on this site. From what I've seen nearly every single reader of this blog is a dude. As such I thought I would have a feature for the ladies and perhaps build up the estrogen levels around here a little. Sure this site's mostly about being macho but the ladies can be macho too.

That and I felt that I needed a replacement for my old Liberal Eye for the Conservative Guy feature (which went defunct because I think the people at Hannidate found out what I was doing and as thus changed the format to make it more difficult to poke fun at the losers).

However, I'm far too lazy to actually come up with advice of my own. So instead I'm just going to dig into the mounds of bad dating advice on the internet aimed at the ladies and make a few friendly criticisms.

For example, I ran across a list of the 10 pick-up lines that MSN thought would help ladies win over dudes. All I can say is that MSN must be staffed by ladies who live on the island of Lesbos because they've obviously never talked to men before. Here's what they came up with (followed by my comments):
"Hi." It seems obvious, but if you make a habit of being friendly across the board, you'll find it easier to start a conversation with someone that really interests you. Sure, you might end up chit-chatting with some random guy you have no interest in, but meeting someone you like is equally possible. And why not hone your conversation skills in the meantime?

"Hi"? "Hi"?!?! "Hi" isn't a pick-up line. Dolts. Pick-up lines are things like "Howya doin'?" and "Your legs must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all night". "Hi" is a fucking greeting. Stupid MSN.
"Can you close my bracelet for me?" Or "Can you help with this crossword puzzle answer?" or any other plea for assistance. "A guy wants to feel like a provider," says Copeland. "If he can be a hero in your eyes, even for a moment, it'll make his day." And that's sure to ratchet up his interest in you, the one who made him feel that way.

How about "I'm totally fucking useless, I can't put on my own jewelry, am illiterate, and when we're together you'll be at my beck and call 'cause I'm a little princess who can't do shit for myself." That'll totally pick-up guys. Idiots....
"That's a cool pocket-watch. Where'd you get it?" Ask an open-ended question (one that requires more than a grunt for an answer) that makes him get talkin' -- and keep the conversation going from there. (Did he tell you his girlfriend gave him the pocket watch? Keep talking anyway -- he might have a cute brother!)

Who the fuck wears a pocket watch? Who are you trying to pick up, an eighty year old? That's kind of creepy. Sicko. It's even creepier that you're considering dating an eighty year old's brother.
"Don't you think Batman's cooler than Superman because he doesn't have super-powers to fall back on?" Let him be an expert. If a guy is reading something that you know about -- a newspaper story, a novel, or a comic book you remember fondly -- comment on it and let him show you how much he knows.

Sister, don't pick up dudes at Comicon. You can do better. Picking up someone at Comicon is barely better than picking someone up at a Magic: The Gathering tournament.
"You've got an iPod. Should I get the Nano or the 30 gig?" "Guys are gearheads," says Copeland. "They love to talk about mechanical things."

See, there's this thing about straight guys, they like dating girls. So if you're trying to pick up a straight guy, don't try to be like a guy. Sure I like talking about gadgets and machines and various things that make noise but that's what I talk to dudes about. Unless you want to be viewed as the girl that's one of the guys, I'd suggest talking about something not gadget related.
"Do you think that couple over there is on their first date, or what?" Commenting on something nearby can make a guy feel like he's in the cool crowd with you. But try to be careful about making fun of someone -- that might be his best buddy puffing on that stinky cigar.

Unless you want to get a "How the fuck should I know?" and a "Who the fuck are you?" as an answer don't ask stupid questions. Also I have no idea why the MSN lady thought that asking a guy whether he thinks a couple is on their first date would make him feel like he's in the cool crowd with you. Being a guy I can safely say that any guy wouldn't give a flying fuck whether two strangers are on a first date. I guess apathy is the in thing nowadays....
"Can I sit with you so I won't get hit on?" Not only are you asking for help, you're hammering home the fact that you're desirable. Once you've enlisted his services, you've got a captive audience and can even offer him a "thank you" drink without appearing too forward.

Isn't the point of picking up getting hit on? If you're trying to pick up don't you want your potential target to feel free to hit on you? That being the case don't you think it's counter-productive to tell your potential suitor that you don't want to be hit on? TV must make people stupid and the MSN lady must watch a lot of it....
"This new Snickers bar is fabulous. You've got to try it." Not only do you seem generous by sharing your candy/cocktail/mixed nuts, you're also awakening his senses -- very sexy indeed.

Really weird and potentially fat. That's the impression that starting a conversation by talking about candy bars is going to give anyone you talk to. No one should be that excited about a Snickers bar.
"So, what are you doing here?" When you meet at an event where you're bound to know someone in common -- whether it's a wedding or just a backyard barbecue -- you can use the old so-who-do-you-know game to pave the way to a real conversation.

"So who are you, the police?" Perhaps the best way to pick someone up is not to be all interrogational. Also, most guys have had at least one of those insanely jealous/suspicious girlfriends who seems to almost always show up at various guys-night-out events and get all psycho as the result of a little innocent drinking of champagne off of a stripper's breasts. No one wants to date that chick.
"I never do this, but I think you're cute and I got tired of waiting for you to talk to me." When all else fails, there's nothing wrong with the direct approach. In fact, it's Copeland's favorite. "The drawback is that you're more vulnerable to rejection," he admits. But we're strong, capable women, right? Next fish in the sea, please!

This one actually isn't bad. It might work. Though it's nowhere as good as, "Nice ass, do you mind if I touch it?"

That's the best pick-up line ever. I mean Tom Cruise had that lady in Jerry McGuire at "hello" but almost any girl could have any guy at "Nice ass, do you mind if I touch it?".

So there's your lesson for today ladies, I can guarantee you dating success if you take my advice.

-CK

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